It was then that I realized what I truly needed. and although your fire fills me with warmth,
I cannot deny the coldness that resides within my core. I wanted to give you all the keys and lead you to all of the right doors,
but those doors required something else. An unforeseen tool with unforeseen intentions. an ax. I needed you to take it from me. I needed you to violently hack away at the termite infested entrance until it spilled it's secrets to you,
left with no other choice but to do so. I needed you to break through because it's what you wanted,
because it's what I needed.
but instead,
here I sit. alone in this house that has become my home. my mental framework and my dungeon. Wondering wondering,
and somewhat hoping,
that someone will know the difference between a key and an ax. between what is wanted and what is needed,
and possess the guts to break down every piece of wood that has ever held me together,
not to see what is to be found,
but to find what needs to be seen.
Inward violence
contained with a single ribbon
Displayed with a red bow
tied tightly to prevent escape
Left loose enough to prevent suffocation
after all, who would I be without my rage?
It fuels me, dueling with my self imposed bondage
keeping me to tired to unleash
And so I present myself as glittering, smiling paper
a present better left unopened.
To: the world
From: myself
with a tag displaying: Open if you dare
Merry Christmas mother fuckers
I dont dance anymore.
No whirlly twirlly spinning sensation of feet and hands.
No dizzy head smiling face upon falling down.
these soles are stable fixed nailed flat to a floor with no meaning.
what has become of my movement?
what has become of my expression?
stupid words on flat soulless empty space.
thoughts just jumbled garbled grainy and alone.
No whirlly twirlly spinning sensation of feet and hands.
No dizzy head smiling face upon falling down.
I don't dance anymore.
And I wonder sometimes, how much longer?
How much longer until we don't know each other at all?
How long does it truly take for love to wither and hearts to change?
And does distance really make a difference?
I fear.
And I hope.
But above all else,
I love.
For as long as this heart will allow it, and perhaps, even after...
