Old stuff I just found

**I found all of these in the Notes section of my FB. They don't have titles so I will just post the date that they were posted to my FB, they are quite old.**

May 1, 2012

And at long last, despair has found me again

my old friend and long time foe

come to reclaim what has always been his

my eyes spill forth their secrets

grey against the colorful desolation of this nightmare that has always been my reality

In the quaking darkness I have found myself once again

swimming solidly in the swampy depths that is so horribly familiar to me

For the first time in a long while, I feel like myself

so comfortable in my sadness

accustomed to this foundation of meloncholy

I feel normal

The normal which I have tried to outrun for so long

it always catches up

always catches up in the end

my normality will be my end

my means to an end... I have always known

*********************************

December 2, 2011

come clean

sink slow

feet first

into the snow

wish you knew

now you know

head first

into the snow

...but this snow

this snow wont last forever.

************************************

Feb 17 2011

There is a war that is raging

deep inside myself

Strangely familiar

and utterly deconstructive

the darkness spreads

dispersing evenly throughout my body

consuming all light within my being

just like before

***************************************

October 2 2012

You're so jaded that even your eyes are green. Try not to blink.

You've lost that shimmer that spark... how could you possibly think that it would be any other way?

You're so full of hot air that you don't need to breathe, lies and deceit.

So lost in your world, created from memories and dreams. Hide away, young child.

Hide in your plastic cave and rubber forests. Run free in your mind.

No wonder you're so out of touch...

Back to reality. So beautiful but you can't see.

You can't see the flowers or the clouds.

You can't feel the sun on your face, not anymore...

For what could ever compete with the dream that you live?

So keep dreaming, lovely sleeper. Keep your eyes open and your heart closed.

Shy away from reality and all that comes with it. 

 Run far into the depths of your mind, so safe and secure... but so alone.

*********************************************

Janurary 23 2010

So strange are the thoughts running through my head at 2 am. The people that stray into my conscience are to say the least unexpected, though not at all unwelcome. A short ride home becomes an open space for the ponderences of my brain. The day unfurls in my mind, like a cat that has been sleeping for a long time. Slowly at first, and then faster and faster as my cognitive interface races the speedometer. The space in my car is replaced by every memory that will be forgotten no later than tomorrow. It saddens me that the wrinkles on my brain aren't deep enough to hold every memory that I make. Only the big ones stick. And as I ponder, I am comforted by the trees shadowing my car as I glide underneath them. Tall dark trees and glittering grass soothes my country soul... and I remember the earth, and how it feels to be a part of it. one everlasting thread that connects everyone and everything together, and i realize that the trials of my days are not so big. Not so bad, and oh so very silly, in the giant scheme of things.

***********************************************************

December 2010

Just A Girl 

I saw a girl today

she reminded me of you

it made me sad

and at that moment I realized

just how much I missed you

and that I loved you 

just a little bit

*********************************************

December 23 2011

My heart flutters at the sound of your name

like a butterfly just emerging from the cocoon

excited and trusting of the gift it has been given

ready and full of life

This is what you make me

My breath quickens at the thought of your embrace

my body aches, so ready for your touch

like a lover reaching for the hand of their partner

that space in between, where anticipation stops all breath

This is what you make me

My love grows every minute that we are together

like time, it is infinite

reaching over oceans and sky, land and space

seamless and unwaivering, strong and confident

This is what you make me

You make me all of these things

all of these wonderful feelings I never thought possible for me

complete and alive for the first time

A woman in love

This is what you make me

*****************************************************

November 13 2010

This is my truth

when you look at me I can't breathe

hearing you say my name is like music

you move me more than anyone has in years

I think I could have loved you

This is my truth

your lips spill forth lies like no other

I see right through those icey blues

you are everything that I hate in this world

you have no power over me

This is my lie

you never cross my mind

I am so over you

I forgive you

you have no power over me

................ and now I can breathe

*******************************************************

November 9 2010

Winter is so heavy.

I feel it's weight pressing down on me like the darkness presses down on the earth.

Maybe it's the lack of sunshine.

Maybe it's the lack of laughter.

I fear that I will not find my way out of this fog until it is too late...

so easily a year full of light and happiness is washed away by the cold.

somebody please lend me a flashlight.

it's so cold in here and I need it's artificial warmth to feel alive.

to remind me of better days.

to help me remember the sun. 

Scrooge Had It So Easy.

The decisions of our youth will haunt us forever, like the faces of old lovers.

Ghosts, constantly reminding us of what was… what could have been… and consequently, what will be.

Did we make the right decisions?

Did we inadvertently create our own peril?

How could we have fucked up so badly that we pay the price forever?

Give your pennies to the pauper to try and sway your luck, but you are a fool to try and fool the ghost. For ghosts always know what led to this.

To this moment when you look back at your life and the only thing you see are words on the wind.

Whispering “how the fuck did I get here?”

Evolution of an Estranged Heart/ When did my titles start making sense?

These gold rings sparkle

But no one is here to see

Not even myself..........

Sometimes I feel like throwing myself against the door

Lying on the floor

Screaming 

“Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me alone with only your memories to hold me.

The nights are so goddamn lonely without your arms. Please.

Please come back and remind me of who I am!”

Because who I used to be is long gone.

Oj and midnight

It was then that I realized what I truly needed. and although your fire fills me with warmth,
I cannot deny the coldness that resides within my core. I wanted to give you all the keys and lead you to all of the right doors,
but those doors required something else. An unforeseen tool with unforeseen intentions. an ax. I needed you to take it from me. I needed you to violently hack away at the termite infested entrance until it spilled it's secrets to you,
left with no other choice but to do so. I needed you to break through because it's what you wanted,
because it's what I needed.
but instead,
here I sit. alone in this house that has become my home. my mental framework and my dungeon. Wondering wondering,
and somewhat hoping,

that someone will know the difference between a key and an ax. between what is wanted and what is needed,
and possess the guts to break down every piece of wood that has ever held me together,
not to see what is to be found,
but to find what needs to be seen.

Merry Christmas

Inward violence
contained with a single ribbon
Displayed with a red bow
tied tightly to prevent escape
Left loose enough to prevent suffocation
after all, who would I be without my rage?
It fuels me, dueling with my self imposed bondage
keeping me to tired to unleash
And so I present myself as glittering, smiling paper
a present better left unopened.
To: the world 
From: myself 
with a tag displaying: Open if you dare
Merry Christmas mother fuckers

I don't dance anymore

I dont dance anymore.
No whirlly twirlly spinning sensation of feet and hands.
No dizzy head smiling face upon falling down.
these soles are stable fixed nailed flat to a floor with no meaning. 
what has become of my movement?
what has become of my expression?
stupid words on flat soulless empty space.
thoughts just jumbled garbled grainy and alone.


No whirlly twirlly spinning sensation of feet and hands.
No dizzy head smiling face upon falling down.
I don't dance anymore.

Sincerely, An Estranged Wife

And I wonder sometimes, how much longer?
How much longer until we don't know each other at all?
How long does it truly take for love to wither and hearts to change?
And does distance really make a difference?
I fear.
And I hope.
But above all else,
I love.
For as long as this heart will allow it, and perhaps, even after...